A lukewarm bowl of people soup

We have a love hate relationship with public pools. The kids love them and I, well, hate is a strong word, so let's just say they make me a bit queasy.

Growing up we rarely frequented public swimming pools. On Long Island, backyard pools were relatively common and while we didn't have one, it wasn't that hard to wrangle an invitation to swim at someone's house on a hot day.We also had the beach really close by and could get our swimming fix in the ocean or the bay. I have one memory of going to a public pool with my 3rd grade teacher, Mr. B., and that's about it.

In Portland, backyard pools are few and far between. In fact, when looking at real estate they are often considered more of a detriment than an added value. We don't know anyone with their own pool, and both kids LOVE the water, so we hit the public pools on about a weekly basis. When we had just one kid, Dan covered most of the pool visits. My experience with public pools in Portland was limited to the water aerobics class I took when pregnant with Minna. Me and ten other ladies rocking to the oldies and pushing around foam "bar bells" while the teacher yelled upbeat commands from the pool deck. Embarrassing.

But now we have 2 kids, so my draft card has been called and I have to report for public pool duty. Look, don't get me wrong, public pools are a great community resource blah, blah, blah, but the bottom line is that they are essentially a lukewarm bowl of people soup and that just grosses me out. Not to mention the pee. Yes, virginia, people (all people) pee in pools. If you tell me you have never peed in a pool, I will pretend to be impressed, but deep down I will know you are lying. I remember my friend Amy W. had a sign in her bathroom that said..."we don't swim in your toilet, please don't pee in our pool". Well, come on over Woytusik family, the water in my commode is just fine. I also remember this rumor at camp that if you peed in the pool a red cloud of would form around you. I tested it. I still do, but always in a group of people so if it did happen the culprit could not be readily identified. Red clouds never appear. But I do wonder why not? It seems like this would be easy enough to make happen. Probably because entire public pools would just be red from all the people peeing and trying to blame it on their kids or their friends... and swimming in a RED lukewarm bowl of people soup is just straight up nasty.

And then there is the poop. On my last visit to a public pool, some kid (I am really putting my faith in the public pool population here and assuming that the pooper was underage)dropped the kids off at the pool (see?? there is a reason for the saying) and set off a hilarious (if it wasn't so gross) procedure involving about 8 teenage lifeguards, a reeeeeeaaaaallly long pool skimmer, latex gloves, masks, and collection vessels. There were whistles, announcements nobody could understand and general confusion. Could we go back in the pool? Was the haz mat contained? Minna asked me why someone would poop in the pool, and as I was trying to come up with an answer, a life guard who had overheard the question said..."oh, it happens a lot...its because when people (little kids, please let it be little kids) sit on those water jets over there...things happen". Hmmmmm.... here's a thought....turn off the fucking enema jets people!

So are you feeling me now? I've not even mentioned all the humanity!...there are some seriously poor bathing suit choices being made out there and I really dislike the fact that I have to be subjected to this type of flesh display. C'mon sister, tuck that flabdomen in a one-piece, would ya? (yes, I have a flabdomen and yes, I practice what I preach). And gents, easy with the heedeous tats, ya dig? Teenage mutant turtles on the back and woody woodpecker on your chest? You are a cartoonish enigma and you are giving me a headache.

So, that's that. Public pools are my cross to bear until Dan either makes it big and we can afford a pool and a pool boy. or until I can convince the kids that the bathtub is really just as good despite the lack of enema jets.
Happy swimming.