OPC (other people's capris)

After nearly a year of wearing nothing but elastic waisted garments, I recently got up the courage and strength to go out and purchase a pair of post-pregnancy jeans.
Buying jeans under any circumstances is torturous for me, but I had been dreading this particular shopping expedition especially. However, my 'just had a baby yoga pants' look was starting to wear thin and it was indeed time.

I chose the Gap for the sole reason that it was non-intimidating and the jeans wouldn't cost me the equivalent of my bi-weekly maternity leave check. I had (have) every intention of being far far to thin for these jeans in no time at all, so a major investment would be imprudent.

I managed to ditch an eager to help sales girl (this was a task I needed to approach solo) and stood before the wall o' jeans. My strategy was to find a style first and go from there. I started reading the titles of the offerings....'Long and Lean' - um, not even on my best day...'The Skinny Jean' - negatory....'The Boy Jean' - boys have neither hips nor asses of child bearing proportions now do they?....and then there it was, like a gift from the denim gods 'Curvy'. Thank you Gap for coming up with a pretty inoffensive title for the pants you have so kindly designed for those of us with some junk in our trunks. I guess 'Fat Pants' didn't go over so well in the focus groups.

So I check out the offerings in the 'Curvy' section and lo and behold, there is only one style. That style is pretty standard from the front, but turn 'em around and you'll find the revenge of the bones jones jeans designers who were probably aghast at having to design a pair of jeans for 'curvy' clients to begin with. Ass flaps. Yes, you know those cute little pocket flaps with the buttons? The ones that are totally ass enhancing? I did a quick check of the 'Long and Lean' and 'Skinny' styles, no ass flaps there. If I had more conviction, or time to go somewhere else I probably would have left at that point, but instead I soldiered on.

Next was size. This was a no brainer. It hurt to reach for the size 10s (double digits...ack!)but I knew this pain was far less than the pain I would go through trying to shimmy into my pre-pregnancy size. Progress! Now for the length. Gap offers three lengths in their jeans. Long. Regular. and Short? Petite? No,...Ankle.
Ankle? So, apparently, if you are a normal sized person looking for some ankle length jeans, the Gap has just the thing for you. Oh, and if you are a Shorty McShort Short, you can wear them too.

Completely beaten down, I took my selection to the dressing room, said a silent prayer to the powers of lycra and tried them on. You know what? They looked OK. Not bad at all...and as I stood there in my 'curvy' capris for tall bitches with the badonkadonk enhancing pocket flaps, I felt almost good.